friendship
2005-10-22 - 3:50 p.m.

As I graduate, I’ve been thinking about the value of the friendships that I’ve made in St. Margaret’s over these 4 years. I made some friends in Sec 1, I’m still friends with some of them now, but I never was really close to them at that time. I sort of went with the crowd but never had a close friend. In the crowd, but at the sidelines. In Sec 2, I made closer friends; friends who I don’t know what I’d do without. There’s Dorcas, Laura, Rachel, YY, Vishnu. I mean, I’m closer to them than I am with my friends in my class now. In Sec 3 and 4, I hung around with my friends from 2e1; YY and Rachel. That’s till I got to know people like Li En, Min Hwe, Priya and Roxane. They’re a great bunch of girls.

But I’m glossing over the issue that I was originally going to write about. I am confused over where I stand with some of my friends. Do you get what I mean? Like, some people I know that I’m one of their closest friends, but others I’m just not sure whether I’m considered their friend. Why do I feel this way? Perhaps because I see some of my friends backstabbing each other and deceiving each other. As a result, I feel awkward around the people who are gossiping and such. I just don’t feel comfortable doing that kind of stuff. I hear them going on about how they can’t stand so-and-so and then the next moment smile sweetly at the person and act as if they are the best of friends. I just don’t know… I am apprehensive about what my friends think about me. I am afraid to tell my classmates things because I’m afraid that they’ll repeat it as I have seen them do so before. I just don’t know who to trust in my class. It’s all a façade, really. That’s why I’m starting to keep my distance. It’s sad but true. You know what it reminds me of? Survivor. Like how they backstab and turn on each other. Like how those that you trust and are your “friends” turn and vote for you. I watched Survivor last night and this guy Brian was voted out after his group like praised him and all. The host commented after he had left, “I really have to hand it to you, you pumped him up then cut his throat”. And I know that it’s true. I’m not trying to prove that friendship is a waste of time. In fact, I think that friendship is something that we all can’t live without. But it just illustrates how helpless I’m feeling. Perhaps I need some reassurance.

Anyway, I apologise for being so negative. It’s probably not what you want to hear. But if you’ve gotten this far, I applaud you for being able to stand my whining and ranting. :) But I will get off and do my Physics notes.